Archive for the 'guilt' Category

Women, guilt and being a mom part 2: Choosing peace

Published
by
RBM
on April 17, 2008
in GFM, SAHM, guilt, mom, mommy and working moms against guilt
. 0 Comments

The other day, umm I mean last month, I posted a few initial assumptions that I felt in my heart (and gut) based on a post aimed towards SAHMs on the Silicon Valley Moms Blog.

Assertions aside now, and back to the specifics of the post, I wanted to take a moment to admit a few personal things here…

One, I have never stayed home with my kids full time more than five months at a time (at the birth of my second child) so I can’t claim to have ever been a committed SAHM in the real sense because I always knew I would be going back to work after my leave. And of course, I feel guilty about that. But I re-make my choice to work every day. And, there’s a “support group” of sorts for this, Working Moms Against Guilt (WMAG) so I know I’m not alone.

Second, I am guilty of making a remark on at least one occasion that was called out in the comments section as being hurtful towards SAHMs. (Cue the Homer Simpson DOH! to echo in my mind as I read the comments on the post.) And, again, of course I feel very guilty about this too.

Now, I will say that I am more a social idiot sometimes than I am judgmental. The comment was made out of ignorance and not judgment. I have several friends that stay at home with their kid(s) full time. I have friends that have kids and full time jobs. And, I have friends that have done both. And I respect each of them all the same. Everyone needs to make their own decisions based on the circumstances and – if you’re lucky – choices offered to their family. And because we are all not cookie cutter images of one another (how boring would that be?) everyone’s decision is as unique as we all are as moms, wives, colleagues and people.

I believe it’s only hurtful to women as a gender for these “Mommy Wars”, as the friction has been dubbed, to rage on. We all need to support one another, support each others’ children. For my part, I choose to really think before I speak to SAHMs to avoid saying silly things that may be construed as hurtful because I simply don’t know better without their valuable perspective.

I also choose to acknowledge that I am lucky enough to have a choice. I choose to be the best mom I can be, however that may come to be based on my own personality, dreams and ideas of how to raise our children. With that freedom of choice, I choose to work. Finally, I also choose to accept all moms as VIPs and aspire to be the “anti guilt advocate” for all, no matter the “label”. How about GFM (Guilt Free Mom), does that exist? ;)

Assertions on women, guilt and being a mom

Published
by
RBM
on March 20, 2008
in FTWM, SAHM, guilt, stay at home moms and working moms
. 0 Comments

I am a woman (or a silly girl in a 30-something woman’s body), so I feel I am allowed to make a few assertions about my own gender.

We often lash out when feeling cornered and guilty about some of our choices, and especially when we feel those choices are questioned. And, for those of us women that are also moms we often feel as if we’re never making the right choice for our children. And, of course, that makes us feel guilty and - for some of us - it makes us irrationally lash out, intentional or not.

There was a post yesterday on the Silicon Valley Moms Blog titled “A Dear SAHM Mom Letter”. The post is a note addressed to a few specific SAHMs (Stay at Home Moms) that had either unknowingly or passive aggressively insulted the blogger, who works a full time job. The letter ignited a firestorm of comments from SAHMs and FTWMs (Full Time Working Moms) alike. I assert that many of these passionate feelings of agreement or dissent stem from guilt in one shape or another.

And now I speak only for me: I assert that these types of comments or feelings are coming from a place of guilt because I feel guilty every day about some parenting choice that I have made. And, inevitably, I play the “grass is always greener” game in my head and then talk myself back into “being right” about my own personal decision to work, always ending up right back in my own green yard (yet still feeling guilty nonetheless).

But after reading the post and all the comments what I really realize is that there is no right or wrong. For anyone. Including me. Just our choices trying to match up to the expectations we have for ourselves as parents.

Finally, I assert that our expectations for ourselves are crazy. How can we possibly put expectations on others if we aren’t even reasonable with ourselves? If we all cut ourselves — and the moms around us — some slack, it might go a long way in uniting us instead of dividing us.